Happy New Year(?)

Weeeeeeeeeeh~~~!!!!  It's been a long time since I last updated this one.  I would like to thank i.ph for existing.  I was able to let out all that bad vibes before the New Year started (Ignoring that little bastard helped and yet he never notices how annoyed we are.) and also the people who had to put up reading that, err, sentimental (?) piece.  Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!

Start of the new year, 2007.  Hmm…

I'm turning a year older.  AGAIN. 

Woopee.

I know this makes me a kill joy but I never really liked celebrating Christmas, New Year or my birthday.  I just don't see the sense of it. (People, you may now start sending comments. )  But that doesn't mean I do not buy gifts and greet people.  It's kind of expected na e.

Will post a longer one the next time.  

To my future (hopefully NEVER) brother-in-law

I HATE YOU.  So fucking much! But we'll get to that later.

You got my sister pregnant and thanks to you I have a wonderful little niece. She's a heaven sent and I really am grateful for that.

However, YOU TOOK MY SISTER AWAY FROM US.  From ME.  By knocking her up, you have effectively put an unbreakable fucking wall between my parents and my sister. YOU, annoying little moron, have ruined eveything that was supposed to go right by popping in my sister's life and messing it all up!!!!

I know it's childish of me to rant about things that have happened already and there is nothing I could do about it, but it's a democratic country and I'm gonna do it because I FUCKING WANT TO!!!

You are standing in my way in fixing my family!  You could help but NOOOOOO!!! You decide to label my father as nagmamalinis na ama and the rest of us as maangas?!?! 

Eh tarantado ka pala eh!  Binuntis mo kapatid ko nang hindi mo pinakakasalan gusto mo tanggapin ka ng tatay ko?  Eh tangina mong kupal ka! Ilang taon hindi nagkita tatay at kapatid ko tapos mababalitaan nya na buntis ung anak nya HOW IN THE FUCKING WORLD WOULD YOU FEEL?!?!?!  Ni hindi ka pa nga nakikita nung tao sa buong buhay nya!  Anong karapatan mo mag-react, you little piece of SHIT!!

I have tried to accept you as a member of this family but you have proven what a fucking wussy you are.  My sister isn't working and you ask her for money?  Samantalang andito lang sya sa bahay inaalagaan anak nyo?! Tarantadoski ka palang talaga hayop ka!  I talk to you kasi wala naman kumakausap sayo na tao dito pag pumupunta ka dito.  I am nice to you because I figured, Hey!  This guy is family now.  Khit na sinasabihan ako ng pamilya namin na "Why do you talk to him?  Are you friends now?"  I DEFEND YOU.

 Pero ano ginagawa mo?   Derecho ka lang sa loob ng bahay pag pumupunta ka dito.   You never even bother to talk to us.  Lalakad kami magpamilya hindi makasama kapatid ko kasi AYAW MO PAYAGAN?!?!  Tangina mo, kunin mo na lang kapatid ko sa bahay na to kung gusto mo solohin!

This is for the whole world to know and I don't really care if you or my sister reads this.  You take my sister away for good, I will NEVER forgive the both of you.  Even if it means that I will never get the chance to see my niece.  Knowing my sister, hindi nya ibababa pride nya,  So this would be the end, probably, of my family.

This is a two way thing, meet my family halfway.  Prove yourself that your're worthy of my sister.  Not to her, but to use, her family. 

You take my sister away on May 17, 2007, wag na kayo magpakita sa akin.  I want you to find on your own kung ano man ang rason hindi ka matanggap ng pamilya ko and do something about it.  Wag pride mo ang pairalin mo.

Believe me, I am THIS close to killing you.

Finally! An Update!!

Hmm… Just noticed it right now, my titles suck.

Anyway, got the chance to update my blog and check the beerkada forum for posts.  I never knew Lyndon went to Japan.. Huhuhuhu!!!!

 I’m here at Fiesta Resort somewhere in the mountains of Binangonan, Rizal because my aunt got complimentary accomodations and what else-s here.  The place is cool, I mean, it has a casino, a pool, a golf course and hundreds of those Japanese kois swimming in the pond.  The only annoying thing is the pool closes at 8pm so I never got the chance to experience night swimming up in the mountains.  I really had no plans to tag along but when I found out that there is Wi-Fi access here, by all means, TAKE MEEEEH!!!!

Food here isn’t all that great as well as the live band that was playing in the casino but it’ll do.  I’m not really complaining but I’m just saying things as is.  Hell, the sketch to where the place is is really really NOT accurate.  AT ALL.  So there you go.  But the bathtub in my room makes up for everything else. And of course, the internet connection.  We’ll be leaving around lunch time tomorrow morning so it’s gonna be a ride back to reality.

By the way, Christmas season is just around the corner.  Sure, it’s the holidays but lately all I seem to think about is the expenses to make everything…festive.  With the current state of the economy, who wouldn’t be glum?  But then again, it’s one of the few seasons of the year where I can look forward to spend some REAL time with my family and friends. 

Too much things has been going on lately in my life and I’m still trying to sort it out.  I’m not running away from my problems, I just don’t want to bother people by telling them my own sob story.  Come to think of it, I’m just making my life miserable all by myself.  Gotta haul myself back to sanity.

Oh.. And I’d like to thank my good friend Kevin for being such a dear when I was one of the lowest points of my life.  Thank you SO very much.  Your friendship is very much appreciated.

 Until the next update.

Mood: Seriously unknown

i’m annoyed.  Well… come to think of it, I always am.

I don’t want to go into details but I just found out that he already has a girlfriend.  i know I wished him happiness and all that stupid crap.  Pero why in fucked up hell am I being depressed for??

I hate this. 

Long time~~!!!

Finally!!  Got a chance to update.  I’m in no mood to write but what the hell!  I’m still gonna put in nonsense!

 Hmm… I moved out Sampaloc, I’m now living with an aunt.  Speaking of which, if there is anybody out there who knows a good place somewhere in Cubao, please send me an e-mail.

 I’m currently addicted to the mangas Bleach and Kare First Love.  Make me inspired to write and draw, something I have never done in the longest time.

Getting over that guy is hard but I’m doing my best.  But I won’t be an hypocrite and say I’m not hoping that everything will go back to the way it was because I AM!

I’m also missing my Beerkada pals, most especially Ate Jinky.  Been a long time and I miss you like HELL!!! And I’m also intimidated by one Beerkadet in the forums.  Seriously.

Met a new friend, Jody.  She’s extremely pretty and I’m NOT kidding.  I’m looking for some men to set her up on a date with.  But she’s only 17… Hmm….

Well, anyways.  Will update soon.  I’m off to go for a smoke. ) 

Filler #whatever… ULIT.

Salamat salamat sa mga nag-comment at nagbigay sa akin ng advice.

I already let him know how I feel about him, thanks to another friend’s help.  Pero he doesn’t feel the same way daw, not that I’d care dahil I just wanted him to know and I have no plans of making him my boyfriend.  Just wanted that out of my system.

So as of the moment, we don’t talk.  We don’t know each other.  Lagi naman ganun yun eh.

Pero ibababa ko talaga ng tuluyan pride ko.  I have never said this before and I’ll let everybody know.  Ayoko sya mawala sa buhay ko.  Kahit na hanggang friend lang, papayag ako.  Basta andyan lang sya.

Tae. 

Filler #whatever…

Bad trip ako ngayon… Sobra.  I don’t know pa nga kung bakit eh.  Damn… Wish ko hindi nya makita blog ko ngayon.

Sino ba naman hindi maaasar?  I mean, we get along in Midgard and on the phone but we never talk personally kahit nagkita na kami.  As in NEVER~~!!!  Kagaya kanina.  Nagpunta ako sa lugar nila kasi a friend of mine needed my company and nagkataon na banas na banas ako dahil sa landlady ko.  Andun na sya nung dumating ako.  Pero walang “Hi~!” nung pag-apak ko sa shop na pinaglalaruan niya.  Eh kahit nung umalis nga sya wala ring “Bye!” eh. 

Sino ba naman di maasar?  Fine, I LIKE HIM.  Sabi ng mga friends nya na most likely trip nya rin ako.  Kinabukasan, tumawag para ikwento lang sa akin na may nililigawan sya.  Eh di ako naman si supportive friend.  I mean, kung san sya masaya eh d fine!  Wag na sana sya magkwento sa akin ng ganon ever again.  Tae…  Lalo lang ako naiinis.

On to the question na “Bakit ako naiinis?”  Sagot?  HINDI KO ALAM! Hindi ko na nga rin alam ang gagawin ko e.  I want to cut him off but doing so would mean I would have to cut off our mutual friends because they fuckingly remind me of him.  That would be mean of me, di ba? Unfair pa sa iba.

Ngayon…  Should I send him a message na naiinis ako sa kanya?  Ano ba dapat kong gawin? 

Help ulit.

My kitties…

Naks. 

Parang ang lalim ng title ng entry ko no? 

But this is most definitely not a time of games for me. 

Kulit, the last of the three kitties my friend Charmane and I were taking care of, died last 3/4/2006 at 2:48 am.

I came home at on Thursday morning from work, annoyed at the god forsaken traffic in the Manila area.  I arrived at around noon, ran to the room so I could feed the cat.  Just to find he was being bitten by red ants.

And he was crying.  To actually hear him cry in pain was unbearable for me.  I called Charmane to tell her what happened, my voice breaking over the phone.  She told me to feed him but no matter how I try, he just won’t drink any milk.  I tried using a cotton bud, a medicine dropper, even the tip of my pinkie but it just won’t do.  I even called my aunt just to ask for advice.

Tita Susan:  O?  Napatawag ka?

Me:  Tita, yung baby pusa na inaalagaan ko, kinagat ng langgam!!  Ano gagawin ko?  Umiiyak na sya e. 

Tita Susan:  Saglit, ittext ko si doktora.  (That’s our veterinarian).  Ba’t ka umiiyak?

Me:  Eh, Tita… alaga ko ito eh… (sobbing over the phone)

I decided not to go to work that night.  Well… it was a good thing that I was suffering from dysmenorrhea that night.  He was mewling, ung faint pa ha?  Charmane was stroking Kulit’s neck, na kung hindi na raw nya kaya,it’s alright, kaysa sa mahirapan sya.  At that time, I was crying my eyes out.  Wala na ako mgawa non kundi umiyak ng umiyak.  Damn!  If I can’t be responsible enough to take care of a cat, paano pa buhay ko among other things??

I miss our kitties.

omg~~!!!

My god… Ang tagal ko hindi nakapag-update ng blog.  Been too busy with work and laging kulang sa tulog kaya d na ako nakakapag- update ng blog.

Anyway.. what are the things i’m looking forward to?

* my sister is giving birth to a hopefull healthy baby girl any day in March.

* Essedel’s birthday on March 10.

* The luch/merienda my good friend Charmane and I are having on the 19th with Kevin. ^__^

* A get together with the Beerkadets… MISS KO NA KAYO~!!!! WAAAAAA~~!!!!

wtf????

Hypertension.

I have been diagnosed with frigging hypertension?!?!?!

The thing is I never had hypertension in my whole life.  Ever.  I never even experienced being confined in a hospital or a minor surgery then I get this news????

Sigh.

My work is screwed.

….

Wala ako maisip na title ng entry ko. Anyway, as I type this thing, nakaiwan na nakatiwangwang ang Ragnarok character ko.  Inuubos ko lang ung oras.

May tanong ako.  Is it okay to like somebody a couple of years younger than you?

What if you never wanted to admit to anybody, even to yourself that you like this person kasi ayaw mo nga na magkagusto sa kanya.  Kasi the more you think about it, the more you start really liking that person?

What if you finally admitted to yourself na gusto mo na nga sya, bigla na lang sya nagbago?  I mean, he can’t possibly know na may gusto ka sa kanya kasi lagi mong binobroadcast sa buong mundo na kaibigan mo sya at parang little brother mo sya.  Lagi naman kayo nag-uusap dati at akala mo okay naman kayo as friends.

Ano bang ibig sabihin pag hinahanap hanap mo yung times na magkakasama kayo dati?  Yung nag-uusap kayo sa phone at nagkkuwentuhan ng mga not that significant things?

Is it normal na maramdaman mo na parang ang bigat bigat ng dibdib mo?

Ano ba ang dapat gawin kapag nasa ganong sitwasyon ka na?

On to the question:  What do you call those emotions you feel?  Is it normal?  Is it right?  What should you do if yo are ever in that situation?

Help.

Last day… ^__^

Today is the last day of our training.  It was so stressful.  We had mock calls and our trainer was scaring us because we weren’t as firm as he wants us to be… YET.  But that’s not what I want to talk about now.

I PASSED PST~!!!  WE ALL PASSED PST~~!!!

Yehey.

We’re having our Christmas party tonight.  (And I’m here updating my blog, not helping with the preparations.. NYAHAHAHA~~!!!)  We had our exchange gifts and we bought Jet a gift.  He was so touched (pramis!!) I thought he wa gonna cry!  He said it was the first time a PST class gave him a gift.  Wow.  I got a Tazmanian Devil throw pillow from Gizelle (Thanks, girl!).  I could just stuff that in my locker and just pull it out when I need to go to sleep. ^__^

But then again, those material stuff doesn’t really matter.  Just the fact that we were all together and celebrating our graduation and Christmas all together is the perfect gift for me. ^__^

hmm… (again..)

Ginanahan ata ako mag-post ngayon ah…  Ano meron?

1.  Exam namin.

2. Papatayin ako ni Charmane pag nalate na naman ako.

3. Helped Charmane’s kid brother do her algebra homework. (Yep, people.  ALGEBRA.)

4.  Wala lang.  Sa gusto ko lang e. :peace:

Nakasakay ako kanina sa bus.  Wla lang.  Ang daming TEG (Tranffic Enforcement Group ata yun…).  Sobrang trapik naman.  Tapos ang daming smoke belchers.  Bat hindi nila hinuhuli? 

Ang daming tao sa Quiapo.  Ang daming pwedeng bilhin.  Wala naman pera.

Kaasar.

:peace:

depression part whatever.

Ngayon lang pumasok ung depression ever since I left the house.  Ngayon ko lang nararamdaman na mahirap pala.  Yeah, I know I said that I am enjoying independent life nad it IS true.  Pero ag hirap mag-commute from sampaloc hanggang work.  It’s starting to annoy me. 

Point number 2:  I still have not learned how to budget money.  And I’m starting to get abso-fuckingly worried.  Well… If you’re gonna base what I got last month to what I got this month, it’s too fuckingly way below.  And it’s the Christmas season.  Well, it’s another reason for me to hate Christmas.

Point number 3:  I’m eternally grateful to my friend, Charmane and to my other friends who have been so really supportive of me.  But I am now in a phase where I feel so.. I dunno.. alone?  Even if I talk to other people and I hang out with them, I still feel really detached. 

Is it possible to just sleep for one whole week and just dream this never happened?

Is it possible to just keep it all inside, have a big goofy smile plastered on your face and pretend that you’re perfectly happy with your life?

Is it okay to just not talk?

Is it okay to just disappear from the face of the earth?

Is it okay to just die and get everything over with?

-Paula-

of trainings…

edit…

Filler ulit…

I was supposed to put in something here because it has been such a LOOOONG time since I last updated my blog. 

Pero nawala me sa mood eh. 

Kasi ayaw pa rin gumana ng GPRS ko.

Screw you Globe.

Filler #2 (also known as my “farewell” letter) /gg

Okies… I’m trying to stay calm as I type this goddamned entry.  Just finished my mock calls which would be the “make it or break it” part of our CCT training here in work. 

And I fuckingly messed it up. 

I have never been so fucking depressed in my whole life!! Well… at least not as much as the time when I found out about the April incident.  I screwed everything up!!! Which is soooo annoying because I really really want this job.  I mean, I promised Mike that we’ll see each other in Alabang after the fucking training but it seems I won’t be able to keep my end of the bargain. 

So what do I do now?

I mean, I ran away from home just for this!!! And this happens?!  What am I supposed to do NOW?!  Uuwi ako ng bahay?  Ano ako? Tanga?  Pagkatapos kong umalis alis babalik din pala ako?!!  Eh di pinagtawanan ako ng mga kapatid ko, isama mo na rin ung step nanay ko.  Punyeta.  Kakabadtrip lang talaga.

Bahala na dyos ng Intsik.

*had to edit it… nakapasa na pala ako… WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~!!!!*

filler…

I am now inside the training room accessing my nlog illegaly. I am just so depressed at the moment.  Just finished our free speech and I don’t think I’ll be able to pass the CCT training…

Dammit.

Buhay layas… part 1

Ayos… Ppost ako… The Paula Chronicles… Eyuck… Amfanget pakinggan…

Anyway, I am having fun with my call center training.  It’s very very fun. Ngayon ko lang nalaman na boses bata pala ako sa phone… and those headphones DO work~!!! P7000 nga lang isa… So kapag nasira namin yun… We’re dead..

I have no idea how I was able to survive until now.  I’m on a staple diet of Coke (a 1.5 liter bottle is enough for 3 days), 2 pcs of cookies (i have to save it, you know) and a stick of cigarette once in a while to help me ease the pangs of hunger. Tee hee~~!!! I do wish I’ve lost weight.  Hmm… kailangan pagplanuhan ang flabby skin na matitira.  Hehehe~~!!!

I do not know if I’ll be able to get my salary on time because I still haven’t done my goddamn BIR form.  Ang layo ng Las Pinas sa Sampaloc.  Pramis. 

My other wavemates, otherwise known as fellow trainees, are pretty nice.  Well, except for one annoying mr. know-it-all who is actually just around the room, things are cool.  It was a shame because they found out about my sob story.  I never really wanted them to know anything about that because it might look like as if I’m asking for help. You know.. Paawa effect.  Nahihiya na nga ako sa mga hinihingan ko ng tulong eh. 

Oo nga pala… ang hirap mabuhay ng walang naririnig na Japanese music at walang napapanood na anime or naddrawing na bago.  Kailangan ko ng INSPIRASYON~~~!!!!

Oh… and please do post sa tagboard ko…. para may balita ako sa inyo.  I may not be able to post as often as I would like to sa Beerkada forum e.. Pero I do check the threads once in a while.

Later.
:)

untitled

Pagod na pagod na ako.  I’ve ran away from home and all i have been able to do was cry.  I miss my family and I’m scared na baka may nangyari sa lolo at lola ko.  Kapag meron, hinding hindi ko mapapatawad sarili ko.

I knew na kapag ginawa ko ito, ther’s no turning back.  It’s my chance to change for the better. Oras na para matuto ako na maging reponsable dahil hindi sa lahat ng oras nandyan ang pamilya ko para sa akin.

When I woke up this morning, pagcheck ko sa cell ko, may message galing sa lolo ko.  He was asking me to come home na and they will consider it daw as an early Christmas gift.  It was really tempting and it still is pero I can’t go back yet.  Hindi ko pa natutupad ang promise ko sa kanila. My father even called me sa cell ko.  Hindi nag-register ung number sa fon kaya sinagot ko.  Biglang “Hello Paula.” I got so scared I cancelled his call and turned my fon off. 

Maybe I am selfish.  Siguro nga.  But I needed to do this.  Alam ko rin naman na bnigyan ako ng chance na makapag-aral and I am eternally grateful for that.  I like to learn.  I really do.  Pero nawala na yung zest ko sa pag-aaral eh.  Tapos nakikta ko pa na nahihirapan pamilya ko.  I mean, it is the perfect solution.  Magwwork muna ako, babalik na lang ako ng school.  Pero ayaw nila.  And I can’t blame them kasi they’re thinking of my future.

Maybe it’s pride?  It always hurt to see them na nahihirapan. Screw whoever invented money and work.  Whoever made medicines and other necessities almost unaffordable.  And sometimes, nasusumbatan ako.  Naiintindihan ko naman e.  Kaso masakit pa rin yung dating ng mga salita eh.  And I really wanted to help.  Yun lang yun eh.

I miss my family talaga.  Everytime I read my grandfather’s text messages, it doesn’t fail to mke my eyes well up with tears and cry like a baby.  I hate crying.  I’ve been always told that crying is a sign of weakness (and will make your eyes hurt) and I don’t want to be weak. 

Sure, mahirap ang makitira muna sa ibang bahay at maging palamunin ka muna habang d ka pa sumusuweldo. Na kapag kulang na pera mo, you’re going to borrow money from a friend.  Na hindi ka kakain kasi nahihiya ka sa mga host mo.  I have never experienced these before pero I’m going through it now.

Sometimes, I just want to give up na.  Na matulog ka na lang forever and ever and ever. Hindi ka na magigising at wala ka na iisipin pa.  Na hindi ka na magiging disappointment sa mga taong you worked so hard to please but somehow, your best isn’t always good enough, as if you can never do anything good. 

There are only three things keeping me from lashing my guts out: 

My family.  I don’t want to hurt them more that I do now, lalo na lolo at lola ko.  Kung may nangyari sa kanila, hinding hindi ko mapapatawad sarili ko.  Pati na rin yung mga kapatid ko.  Kaso my sister said she never really cares whatever I do.  (”Eh di umalis sya… Sino tinatakot nya? ako?  Tapos pag wala na sya pera tatakbo sya pauwi?”)  That hurt me a lot.  Kasi when I first ran away, I just came back because of them.  Kasi sabi nya kukunin namin yung little sister namin from Mindanao at magsasama kami magkakapatid.

Fear. I’ve been always alone when I was a kid.  Inever really ahd friends.  Or if I did have friends, saglit lang yun kasi we move out often due to my father’s job. The friends I have from high school have their own lives and we can’t really hang out together.  Pero what if I die?  Maaalala ba nila ako? Would somebody even visit my funeral? Kung kelan ka natuto na magtiwala sa ibang tao, saka isa-isa sila mawawala sa’yo.

Sigh.

True. Nahihirapan talaga ako. Sobra. Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko.  Pero I have no choice but to do this kasi ito ang desisyon ko. Kailangan ko panindigan ito.

Sana mapatawad ako ng pamilya ko.